


(un)Lost

by Setkia



Series: it's okay to not be okay [5]
Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Developing Relationship, M/M, Wade's POV, insecure!wade
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-14
Updated: 2018-09-14
Packaged: 2019-07-12 08:42:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15991694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Setkia/pseuds/Setkia
Summary: Reasons Why Going Out With Peter Parker Is The Worst Fucking Thing You Could Do (And You Kill People To Death Numerous Times)orJust Might Change Your Life, Wade's POV





	(un)Lost

_I’m not looking for anything in particular_  
 _But I’m far more desperate than you think_  
 _I wonder what it’s like to be the universe_  
 _Experiencing itself ironically_  
 _I need some space to run around_  
 _I’ll always have the underground_  
 _I’ll build my road despite the cost_  
 _I’m not looking to be found_  
 _No, not at all_  
 _Unaware of where I’m going_  
 _Or if I’m going anywhere at all_  
 _But I know I’ll take the leap_   
_If it is worth the fall_  
 _So long as the blood keeps flowing_  
 _I’ll set a sail and swim across_  
 _I’m not looking to be found  
_ _Just want to feel (un) lost_

—The Maine, [(un)Lost](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C1Gyi4J4gIM/)

_  
_It’s as Wade is carrying a dead body in a camera bag with gorgeous Peter Parker by his side that he realizes the universe has a really fucked up sense of humour.

There’s a part of him that’s always known that, but this is a bit much. This means if there is a God, he _hates_ Wade with every fibre of his being, which, fine, there’s a long list of people who want Wade Wilson dead, but is this really the retribution he gets just caused he fucked with Death?

This is a weird-ass cosmic joke, it has to be.

First, he falls in love with some unattainable masked man in spandex whose real name is completely unknown to _anyone_ , though he suspects Tony Stark knows (That man knows _everything_ ), then he starts to get a crush on the attractive, geeky lab assistant who he can’t call because the Canadian lives a life of complete _ruin._

As if to rub everything in his face, turns out Spidey (see aforementioned hot spandex-wearing hero) isn’t as straight as Wade thought, which means it’s not because he’s a guy, it’s because he’s _Wade_ , which sure, that’s been the reason a lot of the time, but it doesn’t make hearing it any easier. Not only is Spidey as straight as wet spaghetti, he’s ass over tit for some douche who won’t call him, and Wade, the fucking masochist he is, _encouraged him to go for it_.

And now, as the cherry on top of the proverbial diabetes-inducing sundae that is Wade’s lactose-intolerant life, the man is _still here._ When he asks why, Peter rolls his eyes.

“Because the body’s in my camera bag? I kind of can’t just carry this,” he gestures to all he’s carrying, “on its own. I have a set up. Besides, can’t I watch a hero do hero shit?”

Wade stops himself from saying something Edward Cullen-esque, like “I’m not a hero” because the author’s trying to write something better than that.

He settles on “you’re a civilian.” This is the very thing Wade wanted to avoid. A university student as bright and good as Peter does not need to get involved in the train wreck that’s Wade Wilson. “You shouldn’t get mixed up in … _this_.”

“What if I want to?”

**He doesn’t mean that the way you think he does.**

_But what if he does?_

**Play dumb. It’s what you’re good at.**

“Want to what?”

“Get mixed up in _this_. I mean, considering I’m in who knows where New York City with a dead body in my birthday present from last year, I’d say I’m pretty invested int his. Do you think I hide dead bodies with just _anybody_?”

He knows it’s a joke, but honestly, Wade has a pretty short list of those he hides bodies with. Sometimes he’ll help out Jackman if they put him in the movie, and he’s feeling up to it.

The thing is Wade’s life has been a series of disappointments, possibly since his first breath. Maybe. Again, memory is kind of fuzzy. Point is, things aren’t always sunny in WadeVille ( **that’s a shitty name, writer think of something better** ), more often than not the forecast calls for rain and depression and a spiralling vortex of existential crisis 24/7. He can’t take him seriously, because this is most probably a joke at his own expense and while Wade’s used to it, he never expected it from _Peter_ , and that kind of hurts more than it should. But it’s also _Peter_ , who wears plaid underneath his lab coat and has clunky glasses and eyes that remind him of coco and sometimes, in the right light, dried blood (which _is_ romantic, at least to Wade).

He opens his mouth when—

“Never mind—”

“I’m not …” He _hates_ when this happens. When he sounds as insecure as the voices make him, because sure, he acts like Mr. Confident, but he’s not, not that anyone ever has to _know_ that. But apparently the universe has decided that today, with a camera bag that’s beginning to smell, he’s laying his cards on the table. Because if this isn’t a joke, if he isn’t dreaming, or even if he is, he just might take this offer, and he wants sweet Peter to know what he’s getting into. “I’m not _good_ for people. Anyone really. I’d be a pretty sucky boyfriend. I mean, in the bad way. And well, the good way too. But like, mostly the bad way.”

Peter laughs, and it’s beautiful as he tosses his head back and his neck, Wade could just _bite it and—_ **take back the vampire comment. Ignore it. It never happened.**

_Agreed._

“No harm in trying, is there?”

He’s so naive. He doesn’t know, does he? About the dangers of the world and why this is quite possibly the worst idea that brilliant, _genius_ brain has ever had. He’s done tons of stupid shit he sort of regrets from when he was his age, because _fuck_ how has not thought about age? Sure, he’s _legal_ , doesn’t mean that Wade getting up in his face with his shitload of problems is okay just cause he won’t end up in jail if they end up fucking on a couch, not that they would since Peter has to have _standards_ of some kind and Wade knows he doesn’t meet any. “I don’t … I don’t know. Can I … can I get back to you on that?”

**Holy shitballs, he’s touching us.**

“I’m gonna write my number on you, so you don’t lose it, okay?”

Wade’s on cloud nine as Peter scribbles onto his suit and Wade makes a note to make sure his right arm doesn’t go flying off any time until he can get back to his place and write it down on a few thousand pieces of paper so he won’t forget it anytime soon until he remembers. “I erm, I don’t have a phone. It kind of got … busted.”

“Well, I’m sure you can get a new one.” **That’s true. We do have money. More once we find the asshole who hired us for the dude who’s staining Baby Boy’s birthday gift.** “Would you rather we meet up sometime at my work to give me your answer?”

Wade _thinks_ he says something in confirmation cause he’s not quite sure whether or not what’s happened has actually happened because _holy shit his life is never this good._

He gets paid for the job, and writes down the number on fifteen paper napkins before he washes the camera bag. He checks about five internet sources to figure out how to get blood stains out of it, so that he knows when all five agree, he knows he isn’t fucking it up and leaves it in Stark’s office for Peter to pick up.

Then starts the thinking.

There is so much to consider here. So much.

 

He’s written Peter’s number so many times, it’s almost like he’s a serial killer— well, he _is_ , but he’s _way_ cooler than Dexter. H.H Holmes though, he’d pay to see him do his work— _wait, focus._

It’s not a dream, he doesn’t think. Maybe it is. Maybe it’s a really convincing hallucination. That doesn’t change the fact that the voices fight him every step of the way in the form of a very helpful reminder that’s rather organized for them, Wade’s almost impressed.

It’s a mental list in his head that he ends up writing down called **Reasons Why Going Out With Peter Parker Is The Worst Fucking Thing You Could Do (And You Kill People To Death Numerous Times)**

Listed in no particular order are the following:

  1. He’s a young-ass child who knows nothing about the real world. He has no idea what he’d be agreeing to, and it probably only sounds nice in theory. It doesn’t matter that he’s legal, being _legal_ doesn’t mean you’re _smart_ , Wade’s proof of that.
  2. Wade’s a _fucking murderer_ , a murderer who basically coerced the poor scientist into helping him hide a dead body while his nose crinkled in that adorable way it always does when he smells blood. He’s too gory for the university student, and he can’t very well hang up the barrels of .37s, otherwise he can’t pay his bills.
  3. Spider-Man is still gorgeous and not as straight as Wade had assumed. Even if he’s interested in someone else, Wade’s heart is almost as stupid as his head and he’s pretty sure he isn’t over him, or if he’ll ever be.
  4. The boy’s _normal_ , which probably makes him super appealing. What if Wade’s only attracted to him because of the semblance of normalcy he would give him in his life? That’s not fair to either of them.
  5. _Wade’s a monster._
  6. Peter could just be experimenting, and knowing Wade, he’ll probably fall too hard, too fast and be left with a beautiful man who has been scarred off ever touching a male ever again, and a broken heart that doesn’t beat properly, and can’t ever stop beating either. (Trust him, he's tried. _Innumerable times)_
  7. Peter’s _in university_ , which means he shouldn’t be dragged into things as crazy as being Deadpool’s boyfriend. He has homework and a job, and from the sounds of it, a really nice aunt who worries very much about him.
  8. _Wade kills people._
  9. Murderous tendencies aside, he looks disgusting. Dating Peter Parker would be like winning the Most Beautiful Significant Other lottery, but Wade? Wade throws up in his mouth a little every time he sees his own reflection, he can’t imagine having to _wake up to that face_. He avoids mirrors like the plague, and his best days are often ones where he never catches a glimpse of himself.
  10. Let’s assume for a hot minute that Petey’s a virgin, which, Christ, how could someone that delicious possibly be one? But, for argument’s sake, let’s say his cherry is still ripe and yet to be taken. _Wade fucking Wilson as a first time partner?_ He’d scare him off sex forever.
  11. _Wade’s a fucking monster who kills people_.
  12. Wade is _not_ the type of person you introduce to your well-meaning, sweater-knitting, aging aunt. He’d probably give the woman a heart attack, and he doesn’t want to do that. Aside from the guilt of killing an old lady, there’s the fact that his popularity with the targeted audience would decrease. There are just some things you can’t forgive.
  13. Wade doesn’t even know _how_ to be a boyfriend, never mind a good one. Peter deserves someone who’ll treat him right, remember anniversaries and birthdays and get him shit that he wants. Wade’s lucky if he’s still got his head by lunch time. He doesn’t do romantic crap. It’s never been one of his strong suits, and he can’t stand the thought of disappointing that adorable brunet.
  14. Ellie
  15. Wade’s a man in his Goddamn thirties, the age gap between them is more than a decade. He’s pretty sure at that point it gets super creepy. They’d probably look at him and Peter and think the kid was _his_ , and not in the fun way.
  16. He can’t imagine subjecting that poor, sweet baby boy to something as atrocious as his dick.
  17. Wade’s not even sure he’d be able to get his clothes off. Young people are horny all the time, hell, _Wade’s_ horny all the time. But he's become pretty damn well acquainted with his own hand because he can’t make anyone face genitals as fucked up as his. He’s felt himself before, it’s not exactly a texture you’d enjoy.
  18. Peter’s never seen him without his mask on. There’s no way in hell he can get away with wearing a mask all the time. He doesn’t even know if he’d ever be able to take off his mask in front of him. He can barely walk around his own apartment naked, never mind take off his mask. The extra layers are heavy and make him sweat, but it’s better than being snickered at like mean kids do. There’s no way someone as gorgeous as Peter could stand to have a boyfriend as disgusting as Wade.
  19. Wade’s a fucking monster who murders people _for money_.
  20. There’s a huge possibility that he’s not even _real_ , because he’s gorgeous and beautiful and everything opposite to Wade that would be _so good for him_ and clearly something that beautiful can only be made from the darkest parts of his mind to try and stop him from sending another bullet through the hippocampus.
  21. Let’s say that it’s pity, and if it’s pity, than Christ, Wade’s never liked it, but he’ll take it. Let’s also assume _somehow_ Wade manages to get his clothes off. He’s pretty sure he’d break that boy’s poor ass, and if they were to do the reverse, which he’s totally not against, then there’s no way Petey could pretend he’s a nice girl who can carry his 2.5 children.
  22. No one should have to deal with the Voices. Wade can barely deal with them, he can’t subject a totally normal human like Peter Parker to the dark parts of his mind.
  23. If they did get together, they’d eventually break up. It’s the way all of Wade’s relationships have ended, and it never changes. He’s not good enough for them, or they realize that he’s disgusting. They snap out of it eventually, and then Wade’s back to his lonesome self.
  24. And lastly, _Wade’s a fucking murderous monster who kills people for money_.



Still he closes his eyes and imagines what he would taste like.

Innocence, he imagines. Innocence and sweetness.

**Maybe a little salty,** says the Voices. He has to agree with that one.

He’s made up his mind though, he can’t just ask Peter out. He can’t get the kid mixed up in this sort of shit, but he makes it so hard with his “Don’t panic”s, and “if you were a booger, I’d pick you first”, because _same_ , but at the same time, he can’t just accept it that way because Peter can’t mean it. He’s _Deadpool_ for crying out loud, he’s the way you test if your spandex fetish has any merit, before erasing it from your memory, not the type to bring home to your mother. He’s made his choice then. He can’t bring Peter down into the endless rabbit hole that is Wade’s madness.

Of course, then something happens, and as usual with Wade, it involves blood. His own blood, for a change, but blood all the same.

“Usually I wait till date three before I touch someone’s legs like this,” says Peter casually.

“We could go dutch at a Mexican place I know down on 5th for the first, if you want.” _What the fuck are you doing?_ “I’m classy like that, forward thinking.”

“First what?”

Oh, this is good. He can back out now.

“Date.”

_You had one job._

Peter squirts an impressive amount of polysporn out of the tube, and Wade laughs. It feels good. Feels weightless. Oh great, now he’s like some Nicolas Sparks book that wasn’t good enough to put on the big screen.

“Don’t lube me up till at least date four. But if you ask nicely, I may be persuaded by date two.” He’s wiggling his non-existent eyebrows so hard right now, it would be the sexiest thing on earth, but it actually translates more as _I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing but let’s keep rolling with it._

“I uh, what?”

“If the offer’s still on the table, that is.” Because fuck this. He could try and talk himself out of this terrible idea, but in the end, he’s Wade fucking Wilson, and it’s going to go down in flames, but at least he’ll have fun playing with fire. It’s not like he listens to himself much anyway. That’s one thing he shares in common with everyone.

“Are you nervous?”

“What? Me? As if!”

**You are as clear as water.**

“You are!”

“I’ll have you know I haven’t had to do anything like this for like, the past decade, so excuse me for being a bit rusty. If you reject me too meanly, I’ll break those pretty little glasses of yours, you little shit head.”

_That’s how you win him over, Wilson, making fun of his adorable face._

“Oh, not my glasses!”

He’s too cute. Wade might strangle him to death.

“I’m sure you’d look fly as hell with contacts. Scratch that. Keep the glasses. Take them off, you’ll be like Clark Kent. Wait, wrong universe. Fuck, I’m a traitor. Though it serves DC right for that CGI piece of crap they put on my face …”

Yeah, if he keeps ranting enough, maybe he can convince himself that this weird seduction technique is actually working instead of failing terribly in his face. What do kids like these days anyway? After the disaster that is the DCCU, he’s surprise anyone’s onboard with their Batman reboots. At least Marvel can keep the same cast— ohh, touchy subject for some people well—

“So is this your way of saying you’d be onboard with dating me?”

“So? On the table? Off the table?” He needs to make sure he’s not just putting himself out there to be humiliated because while some people have their kinks, and so does Wade (he could write you a list over a mile long), humiliation is _not_ one of them, surprisingly.

“What about against the wall?”

Oh hell yeah, this is gonna be totally worth it.

“My my, Mr. Petey Pie, you’re a dirty one, aren’t you? Will you still respect me in the morning?”

“Question is, will you respect _me_?”

“See, this is what I like about you, Petey. You bite as much as you bark. And I bite too. Only if you say please, though.”

He loves the sound of his laugh. It may just be the healthiest drug Wade’s ever taken. “Alright. Wade Wilson, will you _please_ go on a date with me?”

**This will go down in flames.**

And maybe it will. It probably will. It most likely will. But it’s not as if Wade’s never taken risks before, and the way Petey’s looking at him all adorable and shy, how can he resist? And even if this is a mistake and it _does_ end terribly, Deadpool’s always been one to go out with a bang.

“Not what I meant but … I’ll see what I can do.”


End file.
